How to Choose An Apartment

Selecting a Neighborhood:

You open rent.com and apartmentlist.com and start realizing that you are incredibly, incredibly picky about your living space:

The ~up and coming neighborhoods~ where all of the ~hip people~ live? Why pay more for an outdated 1 bedroom house just because there’s an artisan coffee shop two blocks over?

What about the suburbs? If all it has to offer is yogurt shops and maybe a Target if I’m lucky, I’m not interested.

Downtown is so much fun! I like having neighbors with hobbies that don’t include crushing a beer can on their head with their fraternity brothers. Formal 2013 may have been lit, but I don’t want to hear about it through paper thin walls.

Select a neighborhood at the apex of these three millennial gathering places. Narrow down your list by the availability of Google Fiber, because Google already manages the rest of your life so why not add TV and Internet too? Schedule apartment showings based on these things.

Choosing Your Apartment Community:

Go on tours. Be creeped out by several property managers. I’m looking at you lady who had a fake toy cat in the lobby so she “didn’t feel separated from her cats while at work”. Realize that the photos from the website rarely ever match the actual living space. Instantly remove a place from the list when they tell you that it’s a gated community not for the sake of exclusivity but “to keep the crime out at night” with an erstwhile glance at the black teenagers skateboarding nearby.

You heave a sigh while remembering that most apartments don’t match what they look like online. You start to get really annoyed with the process until one Thursday night you tour an apartment complex that you thought would be overrated or too expensive. But something feels different when you pull into the parking lot.

Find an apartment community that more than exceeds your needs, for it has a QuikTrip 3 minutes down the road if nothing else. Get a little giddy when you see the daily continental breakfast, beautiful pool, and a wrapping station. Yes, the clubhouse has a present wrapping station.

Picking Your Apartment:

Agree to tour the apartment after the cheerful leasing agent shows you a video. You remember nothing from said video other than the sexy saxophone music in the background. When you arrive in the apartment glance around the living room and ask yourself “Can I see my best friend passed out on my couch covered in a light dusting of chicken nugget crumbs? Can I imagine my friends making tacos in my kitchen, wearing a cheap sombrero just because it’s Thursday night?”

You instantly start decorating the unit in your head– where your framed Black Sabbath concert poster would go, what color of shower curtain would look great in the bathroom. Maybe you can finally get the king size bed you dream of. You instantly decide you want a glass table for your breakfast nook. Something about this apartment feels right: This is exactly the type of place I’d love to vacuum cat fur from several days a week.

You say yes. You apply and get instantly accepted the next morning. You pay your deposit, then decide to get Mexican before a hockey game. Lord knows you’ve spent enough money from your savings account, you might as well get some queso too.